Bookworm - Big Ideas for Busy People

Supporting Independent Booksellers

I am devoted to my local bookstore, Island Books. Although I occasionally get seduced by the ease of one-click ordering on Amazon, I buy 95% of the many books I purchase at Island Books, because I love what they bring to our community and I want them to thrive, despite ever-growing pressures from mega-booksellers. Island Books will order any book over the phone and ship it for free. Many independent booksellers have on-line ordering as well. You can check out your favorite independent bookseller (or find one, if you don't already have a favorite) at Booksense.

The Essential Conversation - What Parents and Teachers Can Learn From Each Other

by Sarah Lawrence-Lightfoot

Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot, Professor of Education at Harvard, says at the outset of the book, “from my point of view, there is no more complex and tender geography than the borderlands between families and schools.” The author focuses on the parent-teacher conferences “as a way of revealing and illuminating the macrocosm of institutional and cultural forces that define family-school relationships.”

The book focuses on a number of teachers who are unusually good at joining forces with parents on behalf of children. I was pleased to see that some of the “best practices” she identifies are ones that I have experienced repeatedly at my daughter’s elementary school. They include: soliciting input from the parents about the child, sending a letter of introduction to the parents at the beginning of the year, calling parents to check in, and sending home newsletters or regular letters describing what’s going on in class.

The author makes the point, however, that most teachers receive almost no formal training or preparation in how to productively relate to the parents of their students. And, just as teachers benefit from guidance and role models, so do parents who are balancing advocating for their child while honoring and strengthening their relationship with the child’s teacher.

The teachers she observes teach in varied environments. One type of school community that intrigued me was the “privileged environment.” Dr. Lawrence-Lightfoot says this about the benefits and drawbacks of this setting:

“Teachers who work in elite, privileged environments speak about both the benefits and drawbacks of working with parents who are well educated and ambitious for their children. They admire and depend on the parents’ interest, engagement, and participation in school events, their support and advocate of their children, and their shared views about the value of education. The teachers can also count on a common vocabulary and an ease of communication. But they also experience affluent parents as disarming and difficult. They notice how easily their advocacy can slide into an overbearing intrusiveness and how their lofty ambitions put a heavy stress on their youngsters that can inhibit and distort learning. Teachers are then in the awkward position of trying to protect student’s from their parents’ unrealistic demands. And, in the presence of high-powered and influential parents, teachers often feel diminished and disrespected, relegated to the role of servant or hired hands.”

One antidote may be helping both parents and teachers to be more conscious of this underlying but unacknowledged tension and to encourage meaningful conversation about how real people – not the caricatures of people – actually think and feel. I think that is why teachers can often feel close to and supported by many individual parents (and vice versa) but can be wary of parent’s motivations as a group.

Adopting my new favorite author Margaret Wheatley’s view of information as the source of life would also be helpful. She talks about the importance of having information “coursing through our systems, disturbing the peace, imbuing everything it touches with the possibility of new life.” This perspective places suggestion and advocacy in a different category – one of information that offers the rich possibility that could move us to new levels of understanding, instead of a potentially damaging force to be resisted and defended against.

Her book also reminds me that it is essential to connect with and represent moderate parent voices – otherwise we risk being being defined by the truly “disarming and difficult” parents among us who are hopefully small in number but, through their negative impact, can make their presence feel disproportionately larger.

On another note entirely, she is a firm advocate for conferences that involve the student. She says “Children should be present – and given a voice – at parent-teacher conferences. They are the only people who know both the family and the school domains. They are the best interpreters of and authorities on their own experience. Their presence helps the adults stay focused on their primary reason for coming together in the first place: to support the learning and development of the child.” She would like children to be involved beginning in elementary school all the way through high school.

If you want to learn more, check out this great review of the book by school consultant David Mallery.

Odd Girl Out and Odd Girl Speaks Out

by Rachel Simmons

Our public school district recently hosted Rachel Simmons, author of Odd Girl Out and Odd Girl Speaks Out. She spent two hours in the afternoon with a group of District administrators, principals, counselors and teachers. Rachel then spoke that evening to about 700 parents, staff, community members and students. Rachel did an amazing job of skillfully speaking directly to the parents while connecting in a very authentic way with the 5th -12th grade girls in the audience. Her witty, often irreverent comments filled the room with laughter, but her direct and honest approach to her topic held listeners’ attention and provoked many raised hands (mostly from students!) when it was time for questions.

One of Rachel’s key messages is that when we think of bullying we predominantly think of boys and physical bullying. She asks us to broaden our definition to include girls and psychological bullying.  Rachel also acknowledged that girl’s bullying often takes place within their friendships and typically operates under the radar screen of parents and teachers.

What does psychological bullying look like?   There are four major categories.

• Relational bullying occurs when girls use friendship as a weapon (If you don’t play on the bars with me at recess, I won’t be your friend anymore.)
• Social bullying involves damage to a girl’s social status or reputation, for example, when a rumor is spread that impact a girl’s reputation or effects her relationships with her friends.
• Indirect bullying takes place either when the perpetrator is anonymous or when hurtful things are said, quickly followed by comments like “just kidding” or “no offense.
• Negative body language is the province of eye-rolling, mean looks, certain forms of exclusion and the silent treatment.

One of the reasons for this hidden aggression is that girls do not have the tools to engage in assertive direct conflict where they can actually say what's in their hearts to each other. In our culture, girls are taught that a good girl is a nice girl, which means not being in conflict, and being everyone's friend.

Rachel also warned that the internet has become the “new bathroom wall” and believes parents should monitor and regulate internet use, just like with other forms of media. In her experience, too many parents have left control of this technological domain to their kids, creating a sort of “Lord of the Flies” social environment on the internet.

Rachel was also honest about her own roles as both victim and perpetrator of bullying and reminds us that there aren’t good girls and bad girls, but rather good girls who have done bad things. She encourages adults to create an environment where it is OK to make mistakes and learn from them. At the same time, she asks us all to take personal responsibility for the inevitable mistakes we make with our friends, learning to say, “I’m sorry. Here’s what I’ll do differently next time, because I care about you.”

In her talk, Rachel shone the light of understanding on a perplexing, persistent and too often painful issue and, perhaps most important, has given us the words so we can talk about it and work together to make it different.

Here are a few things you can do at home:

• Model conflict as a part of life in your home. Help kids see that conflict is part of healthy relationships and doesn’t threaten the future of those relationships.
• Teach conflict as a process
  • Affirm the relationship (I really like being your friend, I have fun playing soccer with you, etc. to communicate that you want this relationship to continue)
  • Say how you feel and what specifically has happened using “I” statements (I felt left out when you whispered to Sally in front of me after music class yesterday)
  • Ask what you specifically need to change (I need you to not whisper to other people in front of me)

• Develop and share your family’s expectations regarding behavior on the internet. Here are some examples:
  • Never send something you wouldn’t say to the person.
  • Be consistent in who you are in “real life” and on the internet. Be the same person with the same values.
  • Never send messages pretending to be someone else.

I highly recommend reading Odd Girl Out. It is wonderfully written and is full of stories and insights that simply can’t be conveyed in a summary. Also, Odd Girl Speaks Out is written specifically for girls and is a great resource.

If you are interested in having Rachel speak to your group or community, she is represented by American Program Bureau. Ask for Nancy Eisenstein - she was terrific to work with.

Curly Girl Design

My friend Kathy directed me to Curly Girl Design and although it has nothing to do with books, I simply LOVE artist Leigh Standley's work and want everyone to know about her! Leigh has agreed to let me "decorate" Bookworm with her wonderful work so look forward to regularly seeing new images! One of Leigh's canvas pieces hangs by my computer and has been a source of inspiration for 2004/05.

Costa Rica

We are in Costa Rica for winter break and I am enamored with this beautiful country. We started our trip in San Jose and then traveled to Tortuga Lodge via van followed by a three hour boat trip up a series of canals that parallel the Carribean Sea. We saw sloths, monkeys and a crocodile while enroute. This part of our trip was organized by Costa Rica Expeditions, who are wonderful - I highly recommend them. While at Tortuga Lodge we ran into four families from the Seattle area - including one from our town and elementary school. Truly a small world story! It is a marvelous place - great rooms, especially for families, wonderful food served family style, refreshing pool, very relaxed atmosphere - plus abundant opportunities to see the natural world up close. We are now on the Pacific Coast at an incredible place called  Florblanca enjoying the beach, pool, tropical drinks and great food. We are off today to see a waterfall and a funky surfer town. Adios!

Uncommon Wisdom for Parents of Teens and Staying Connected to Your Teenager

by Michael Riera, PhD

These were both recommended in an emergency email – as in go buy this book today –from a friend who has been catapulted into the world of parenting a teenager by her eldest son. I’m paying very close attention since he is only two years older than my oldest child! The wisdom contained in these books is so specific (and the examples so numerous) that I urge you to read them yourselves. If you’re only going to read one, read the second book because it is full of practical ideas that will help you stay connected – and that alone will help you and your teen more significantly than any other single thing you can do.

Riera introduces two big concepts that I’ve actually managed to remember – I hope that’s because they’re the most important ones!

1)            We tend to think of adolescence as a time where teens separate from their families and establish their independence. Riera says to erase that idea. Instead, during adolescence teenagers need to extend away from their parents, all the while staying connected to their parents. Their job is to extend; our job is to connect.

2)            For the first ten to twelve years of children’s lives, their parents are the managers of their lives. However, once children become adolescents, you need to give up the role of manager (don’t worry, he says they usually fire you) and get yourself rehired as the consultant to your teenager’s life. The only two other options are to stop parenting (giving up or abandonment) or refuse to be fired (endless power struggles and grey hairs) – neither of which are successful strategies.

The Tipping Point

by Malcolm Gladwell

This book has created its own tipping point phenomenon. In the last week, someone mentioned or I read the phrase “the tipping point” in at least five different situations. The following interview with the author is a great summary of the book:

What is The Tipping Point about?

It's a book about change. In particular, it's a book that presents a new way of understanding why change so often happens as quickly and as unexpectedly as it does. For example, why did crime drop so dramatically in New York Cityin the mid-1990's? How does a novel written by an unknown author end up as national bestseller? Why do teens smoke in greater and greater numbers, when every single person in the country knows that cigarettes kill? Why is word-of-mouth so powerful? I think the answer to all those questions is the same. It's that ideas and behavior and messages and products sometimes behave just like outbreaks of infectious disease. They are social epidemics. The Tipping Point is an examination of the social epidemics that surround us.

What does it mean to think about life as an epidemic? Why does thinking in terms of epidemics change the way we view the world?

Because epidemics behave in a very unusual and counterintuitive way. Think, for a moment, about an epidemic of measles in a kindergarten class. One child brings in the virus. It spreads to every other child in the class in a matter of days. And then, within a week or so, it completely dies out and none of the children will ever get measles again. That's typical behavior for epidemics: they can blow up and then die out really quickly, and even the smallest change -- like one child with a virus -- can get them started. My argument is that it is also the way that change often happens in the rest of the world. Things can happen all at once, and little changes can make a huge difference. That's a little bit counterintuitive. As human beings, we always expect everyday change to happen slowly and steadily, and for there to be some relationship between cause and effect. And when there isn't -- when crime drops dramatically in New York for no apparent reason, or when a movie made on a shoestring budget ends up making hundreds of millions of dollars -- we're surprised. I'm saying, don't be surprised. This is the way social epidemics work.

For the full summary Download the_tipping_point.doc

Mountains Beyond Mountains – The Quest of Dr. Paul Farmer, A Man Who Would Cure the World

by Tracy Kidder

“One is tempted to call Paul Farmer’s passionate sensibilities and loving ambitions otherworldly, but only in sadness that there are far too few of him in the world.”

-         Bob Shacochis, author

This inspiring book tells the true story of Paul Farmer. Doctor, Harvard professor, the recipient of a MacArthur genius grant, world-class Robin Hood, Farmer was brought up in a bus and on a boat, and in medical school found his life’s calling: to diagnose and cure infectious diseases and to bring the lifesaving tools of modern medicine to those who need them most.

What spoke to me was his conviction that “the only real nation is humanity” and his inability to turn his back on the suffering in the world. The book also shows time and time again how radical change can be fostered in situations that seem insurmountable and underscores the difference one person can make. Paul Farmer criss-crosses the planet, from Boston to Haiti, Peru, Cuba and Russia changing minds and practices that ultimately benefit all of humankind.

For the full summary Download mountains_beyond_mountains.doc

Leadership and the New Science - Discovering Order in a Chaotic World

by Margaret J. Wheatley

This book was originally published in 1992 and became an “award-winning and bestselling classic.”  It was re-published in a new edition in 1999. I’ve benefited from Wheatley’s thinking when trying to understand diverse situations from our local school district politics to what it happening on the national and international scene. I have a renewed appreciation for change and chaos as midwives to transformation.

From the book:

“We live in a time of chaos, rich in potential for new possibilities. A new world is being born. We need new ideas, new ways of seeing, and new relationships to help us now. New science – the new discoveries in biology, chaos theory and quantum physics that are changing our understanding of how the world works – offers this guidance. It describes a world where chaos is natural, where order exists “for free.” It displays the intricate webs of cooperation that connect us. It assures us that life seeks order, but uses messes to get there.

The new science radically alters our understanding of the world, and can teach us to live and work well together in these chaotic times. It can teach us to move with greater certainty and easier grace into the new forms of organizations and communities that are taking shape.”

Four key principles are revealed:

1)                  Relationships, not lone individuals, are the basic organizing unit of life

2)                  Chaos and change are the only route to transformation

3)                  Participation and cooperation are essential to our survival in this interconnected world

4)                  Order is natural, but not available through traditional means of control

http://www.margaretwheatley.com/index.html

And the institute she founded ten years ago:

http://www.berkana.org/

The Soul of Money - Transforming Your Relationship With Money and Life

by Lynne Twist

This book is such a fresh and inspiring take on the subject of money. Figuring out how to relate to money differently is such an important piece to creating a more just and sustainable world. The following, an interview with the author, is a great summary of the book:

Lynne Twist is a veteran global activist and fundraiser.

Q. Your book, THE SOUL OF MONEY, examines our relationship with money – how we earn it, how we use it, how we spend it, and how we give it away. Is money really that big of an issue for most people?

LYNNE TWIST: We all have an identifiable, though largely unexamined relationship with money that shapes our experience of life and our deepest feelings about ourselves and others. Money is the most universally motivating, maligned and misunderstood part of life. Money is how we measure our competence and self worth and whether we are rich or poor we all find ourselves in the grip of fantasies and fears about money, obsessing about it in ways that can make it a destructive power in our lives. The process of transforming our relationship with money requires that we confront our fears around money, our addiction and attachment to money as well as our guilt and hurts around money. Money drives so much about human behavior in the world today, and we can see the adverse consequences in global terms when we look at patterns of violence, oppression and other social, political and economic inequities. At a personal level, we’ve all seen the way money often undermines relationships with family, friends and work associates. Now, more than ever, it’s imperative that we understand our individual relationship with money so that we can begin to align our decisions about money with our deepest core values and highest commitments. This is what will ultimately bring us the most happiness AND make the world a better place.

Q. How can understanding our relationship with money change our lives?

LYNNE TWIST: When we are engrossed in the money game we often grow selfish, greedy, petty, fearful, or controlling. We get caught up in our fears of not having enough and become disconnected from our soul in order to “get what’s ours” or constantly “get more.” When we let go of the unquestioned chase for more, and ground ourselves in appreciation of what we have, we discover the wealth of our own sufficiency. We experience the prosperity of “enough” and we find a kind of peace and freedom with money and with ourselves. When we express that by directing our money – no matter what the amount – toward things we believe in, we can discover and experience that generous, courageous and committed place in ourselves.

Q. What do you mean by learning to live with enough?

LYNNE TWIST: There comes a point where having more than we need becomes a burden. We are overcompensated, overstuffed, swimming in the excess, looking for satisfaction in more or different. We live in a world where the prevailing belief is in scarcity. We don’t believe we have enough time, enough energy, enough love, and we are all pretty certain we don’t have enough money. Those beliefs drive us to over-consume, over-spend, over-eat, always thinking we still need more. We also buy into the myths that there’s not enough to go around, more is definitely better and the resignation of “that’s just the way it is.” I had the good fortune to be mentored by the great futurist and humanist, R. Buckminster Fuller. He taught me that at this point in our evolution we can choose to move from a you-or-me world – a world where either you win or I win, or we can commit to a you-and-me world where all of us have enough food, enough water, enough land, enough housing and enough of the fundamental things for each one of us to live a fulfilling and productive life. This uncommon vision requires a shift in the very basis of the way we relate to one another AND the way we relate to money. Ultimately it shifts the way we relate to ourselves and the world.

For the full summary Download the_soul_of_money.doc