Odd Girl Out and Odd Girl Speaks Out

by Rachel Simmons

Our public school district recently hosted Rachel Simmons, author of Odd Girl Out and Odd Girl Speaks Out. She spent two hours in the afternoon with a group of District administrators, principals, counselors and teachers. Rachel then spoke that evening to about 700 parents, staff, community members and students. Rachel did an amazing job of skillfully speaking directly to the parents while connecting in a very authentic way with the 5th -12th grade girls in the audience. Her witty, often irreverent comments filled the room with laughter, but her direct and honest approach to her topic held listeners’ attention and provoked many raised hands (mostly from students!) when it was time for questions.

One of Rachel’s key messages is that when we think of bullying we predominantly think of boys and physical bullying. She asks us to broaden our definition to include girls and psychological bullying.  Rachel also acknowledged that girl’s bullying often takes place within their friendships and typically operates under the radar screen of parents and teachers.

What does psychological bullying look like?   There are four major categories.

• Relational bullying occurs when girls use friendship as a weapon (If you don’t play on the bars with me at recess, I won’t be your friend anymore.)
• Social bullying involves damage to a girl’s social status or reputation, for example, when a rumor is spread that impact a girl’s reputation or effects her relationships with her friends.
• Indirect bullying takes place either when the perpetrator is anonymous or when hurtful things are said, quickly followed by comments like “just kidding” or “no offense.
• Negative body language is the province of eye-rolling, mean looks, certain forms of exclusion and the silent treatment.

One of the reasons for this hidden aggression is that girls do not have the tools to engage in assertive direct conflict where they can actually say what's in their hearts to each other. In our culture, girls are taught that a good girl is a nice girl, which means not being in conflict, and being everyone's friend.

Rachel also warned that the internet has become the “new bathroom wall” and believes parents should monitor and regulate internet use, just like with other forms of media. In her experience, too many parents have left control of this technological domain to their kids, creating a sort of “Lord of the Flies” social environment on the internet.

Rachel was also honest about her own roles as both victim and perpetrator of bullying and reminds us that there aren’t good girls and bad girls, but rather good girls who have done bad things. She encourages adults to create an environment where it is OK to make mistakes and learn from them. At the same time, she asks us all to take personal responsibility for the inevitable mistakes we make with our friends, learning to say, “I’m sorry. Here’s what I’ll do differently next time, because I care about you.”

In her talk, Rachel shone the light of understanding on a perplexing, persistent and too often painful issue and, perhaps most important, has given us the words so we can talk about it and work together to make it different.

Here are a few things you can do at home:

• Model conflict as a part of life in your home. Help kids see that conflict is part of healthy relationships and doesn’t threaten the future of those relationships.
• Teach conflict as a process
  • Affirm the relationship (I really like being your friend, I have fun playing soccer with you, etc. to communicate that you want this relationship to continue)
  • Say how you feel and what specifically has happened using “I” statements (I felt left out when you whispered to Sally in front of me after music class yesterday)
  • Ask what you specifically need to change (I need you to not whisper to other people in front of me)

• Develop and share your family’s expectations regarding behavior on the internet. Here are some examples:
  • Never send something you wouldn’t say to the person.
  • Be consistent in who you are in “real life” and on the internet. Be the same person with the same values.
  • Never send messages pretending to be someone else.

I highly recommend reading Odd Girl Out. It is wonderfully written and is full of stories and insights that simply can’t be conveyed in a summary. Also, Odd Girl Speaks Out is written specifically for girls and is a great resource.

If you are interested in having Rachel speak to your group or community, she is represented by American Program Bureau. Ask for Nancy Eisenstein - she was terrific to work with.

Comments

[janet boguch]

WOW! I have waited to open up Janet's blog email notice until I had some time to really review/read it. Very worth the wait. This is great. Congratulations and thank you!!!

I am re-reading Kastner's Launching Years-- it is very helpful (as we help launch our 17 year old).

Thank you Janet for your fabulous blog. It looks fabulous; it reads well; I am inspired.

janet boguch

[McKay Sohlberg]

Janet:
Congrats on this wonderful endeavor. I'm inspired AND intimidated AND a bit depressed that I haven't read more of the books!

I thought I'd share that we read Rachel Simmon's book in our Mother/Daughter book group with our 8th grade girls...interestingly, the moms were more enchanted than the girls. I wondered if our "latent adolescent inner girls" were more reactive to the content. It didn't trigger as much emotion in this particular group of girls. Several of the girls were somewhat lukewarm (mine included) and felt like the themes were repetitive and there wasn't enough depth for exploring some of the issues.

[dr dre beats headphones]

so good!

[replica watches]

Would you be so kind as to come to my party?