Parenting Gen Stress: Culture Toxicity, Parent Anxiety and the Pursuit of Excellence

by Laura Kastner, Ph.D.

Dr. Kastner hasn't actually written this book yet - I heard her speak last night at our local high school - but I hope she does soon!  She has written a couple of other books that I haven't read but have heard great things about: The Seven Year Stretch: How Families Grow Together Throughout Adolescence and The Launching Years: Strategies for Parenting From Senior Year to College Life.

She opened her presentation with the point that hysteria over college admissions has become the tail wagging the dog, distracting parents from elementary school on up from the critical task of confident, well-balanced parenting. This pervasive anxiety has a very real biological impact. Like all anxiety, it causes parents to become more concrete and narrow in their thinking, e.g. my child's success and well-being in life will be assured only if their next stop after high school is the safe port of a highly selective college.

She said there are three myths about college that need to be debunked:

Myth #1: College admission personnel recommend packing your high school resume.

Instead, admissions personnel are urging that we not make high school pre-college. They are seeing too many burned -out freshmen and are dealing with unprecendented levels of depression .

Myth #2:  Attending a top name college is insurance for the future.

In fact, studies show that it doesn't predict any increased opportunity in later life. Even making good grades in college doesn't predict success in later life!

Myth #3:  Students should be encouraged to go to the most prestigious college they can get into.

The problem in our culture is that 80% of students apply to 20% of the colleges. Really we should be thinking about finding a good match between individual students and colleges. There are 2,000 other four-year colleges beyond the coveted top 20%, many of which might suit a given student better than one of the most competitive ones. The "match" seems to determine what makes students thrive and reach their potential more than any particular college.

Here are some other critical points Dr. Kastner made:

1) The #1 predictor of anxiety, depression and substance abuse is the student's perceived academic pressure from their parents. If your kids think " all my parents care about is my grades" - you have a problem.

2) The most powerful predictor of positive adolescent adjustment (e.g. low risk taking, school achievement, etc.) is parent-child connectedness and family cohesiveneness.

3) Here's a quick way to evaluate whether there is a trusting relationship between parents and a child. How would your teen respond to these five statements (true or false)?

    -   My parents accept who I am.
    -   My parents respect my feelings.
    -   My parents want to know my point of view.
    -   I want to know my parent's point of view.
    -   When I'm bothered about something, my parents are concerned about me.

4)  There is not a linear relationship between more inputs, advantages and enrichment and a better outcome. Instead, there are often "backfire effects", e.g stress illnesses, underachievement, distrust and disconnection with parents. More is usually not better.

5) The pursuit of the holy grail in academics and athletic excellence has a dark side - less investment in children's social, emotional and moral competence.

6)  The Big Ten: These are the critical assests for optimal adolescent development and the successful transition to college and emerging adulthood:

• Motivation and drive
• Practical reasoning and judgement
• Moral attentiveness and character
• Emotional awareness
• Healthy habits
• Self-control and affective regulation
• Social skills
• Communication skills
• Intellectual interests and abilities
• Spiritual awareness

She reminds us to focus on the development of the person, not the resume.

If you live in the Seattle area and have a chance to hear her speak, do it. She is really excellent.

Comments

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I should be most grateful if you could possibly attend my wedding.